I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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