Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
