come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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