just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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