just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You made out with two different species that night
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
