ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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