Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
