Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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