Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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