come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
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