ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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