Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
