I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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