why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
