if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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