im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I touched a dick in church today
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