How'd it feel making her break her religion?
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
