You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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