You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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