My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
