I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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