I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
