Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Randomize
