when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
