your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
