a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
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I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
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I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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