You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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