Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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