Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
