Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I have so many feelings about this burrito
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
