Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
