The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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