i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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