So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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