We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
