Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
