He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
