That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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