I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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