Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
