Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
