I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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