It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
