yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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