About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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