I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
mondays should just be called national damage control day
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
