Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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