Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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