My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
