I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
