I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
