The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
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You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
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I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize