We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
