margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
