Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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