I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
