I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
